101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

FancyShark

Ohhhh, okay. She makes hostage videos.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Her and Osama Bin Laden.

Except Osama eventually made the switch, I assume when someone told him "A hard drive can hold your entire library of anime and porn."

gellaho

You know, money stuff

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Everybody gets a rich asshole under In Case Of Murder Mystery Deadlock Break Glass protection when they become a writer

gellaho

So horny

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Oh so he's probably mobbed up or at least a scumbag.

gellaho

Boobs high

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Also Kat has some luck, how many random security guards like garage sales and lace doilies and arent grandmas?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

I'm having difficulty imagining a sadder hobby than liking garage sales

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

"It's high boobs."

infinite tempest jakesy

Garage sales and weightlifting, the timeless combo

gellaho

High boob in the old west

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I like things you can GET at garage sales.

gellaho

Mint

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

Massage the mint. Tell it you appreciate it.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

These are less tips and more "how to do it."

gellaho

Just loving this book

infinite tempest jakesy

This absolutely sent me

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Actually drug sniffing dogs have a high rate of false positives, MEERA!

And, what, do you think, does cancer smell like?

infinite tempest jakesy

I love that Meera thinks we need loading screen tips with every new chapter

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

TBF the Farmers Almanac has weird shit in there you wouldn't expect

gellaho

"What iz zis 'mile,' you American beetch?"

gellaho

Seriously with the monogrammed handkerchief

Jesus Christ

FancyShark

Why would you make a tie out of raspberries?

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Oh my god he's going to leave the monogrammed handkerchief at the scene of a crime.

That's how they get him.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Color and a handy snack.

So does Philippe get carsick, or does Meera believe that French people dont drive cars?

infinite tempest jakesy

Control-H "red" replace with "raspberry"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Or does a woman driving just make Philippe so angry he gets nauseous?

gellaho

Watch Meera lose her own plot in real time

gellaho

I assume he rides a penny farthing, so any driving makes him nauseated

FancyShark

Signs of a thriving community: ducks

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Misfortune like avalanches, blizzards, and non white families moving in.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

Damn foreigners are gonna come in and take all our stabbings away!

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Did you know those ducks are free?

You can just take them home, its okay.

FancyShark

Free ducks!

infinite tempest jakesy

She just completely forgets what she's writing about to pad the chapter with meaningless world building

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

They dont belong to anyone, its not even a "take a duck, leave a duck." thing.

infinite tempest jakesy

You don't have to world build! We live in this world! Everyone knows what a mountain looks like

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

the most important thing about working a cold case is that you stop and smell the roses.

gellaho

Take your brother's dog, you piece of shit. Don't make this random lady you want to fuck take care of it

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I dont see why she wants to not have a free dog so badly tho.

Free dog!

ABBY! FREE DOG!

FancyShark

Is discussing dog ownership too much for your delicate constitution, Phillipe?

FancyShark

She loves her scratched up cabinet more

gellaho

Is a doorbell too pedestrian?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Dogs also naseate him, which is weird because French people love dogs.

FancyShark

She's definitely keeping the dog

We saw the dog on another of the book covers

infinite tempest jakesy

Along with the same pull quote

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I would keep the dog, even if Philippe wanted it.

Finders keepers.

FancyShark

There are no bell servants out here. Far too expensive and their kibble must be shipped in from the mainland.

FancyShark

That fucking quote

infinite tempest jakesy

Philippe makes mediocre watches anyway, they should do something like Rolex did and make an entry level brand to attract more customers

gellaho

Time for an unrelated Bible story

infinite tempest jakesy

Jesus, our Inclusive King

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Sometimes you just need to illustrate that its Christian to love pussy.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

what the fuck is going on

gellaho

Uh, Phillipe, you still haven't buried him

gellaho

Also: clerestory

infinite tempest jakesy

FancyShark

I'm surprised Phillipe is even allowed in a church

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

he's going to be a loose pile of mold by the time the funeral gets going

gellaho

Jesus Christ, lady, you are in a church

gellaho

Keep it in your pants

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Church fuckin' is good fuckin. God can see you better when its in church.

gellaho

No statuary in niches

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

look niches

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

What a bullshit church, doesnt even have stained glass.

FancyShark

Mountains: notorious for being hot

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

The Baptist church in my town looks like a dentists office but they still have stained glass.

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol the heat of the mountains

gellaho

✅ Redhead

✅ Elf

infinite tempest jakesy

The thick mountain air just stifling them

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

Famously humid, the mountains

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Its the non denomenational one that is secretly evangelical that operates out of a former Aldi that doesnt have at least one stained glass window.

gellaho

I had some notes for Meera

FancyShark

That does sound Baptist, to be fair

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Puritans, fucking up everything.

infinite tempest jakesy

200 pages in, it's clear that Meera doesn't really have anything to say

FancyShark

Abby is the kind of detective that solves cases by vibes instead of logic. And also by idiot luck, not vibes

gellaho

The redbreasted always be yank-yanking the nuthatch

infinite tempest jakesy

This book could have been an email

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Tho im pretty sure hawthorne is native to Scotland so........

FancyShark

Looking around the room going "let's see...what else? What else?"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Abby just bury this dead asshole.

FancyShark

"He would have loved a bird. And not being murdered."

infinite tempest jakesy

The uhhhh doorframe! Yes, she thought about the history of doorframes, founded by John Doorframe in 1789

gellaho

Loving this funeral planning

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The little known, seldom used Tell, Tell, Tell, Tell, Tell, Don't Show technique

FancyShark

Yessir. Whackin' those weeds. Hint hint.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Parishoner: "Wait you want me to what? For how much? Oh. Father you realize this is America right? Fuck you, pay me."

gellaho

I hate this lady

FancyShark

There are glaciers that think this book needs to pick up the pace

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

FOR FUCKING WHAT!?

Report him for what?!

Having dogs?

Being happy in public?

gellaho

He was the guy from 150 pages ago that was riding his bike with his dogs

That she thought was irresponsible for some reason

infinite tempest jakesy

She could have easily trimmed 100 pages so far and we still are only 2/3 of the way through

gellaho

Because she's a fucking busybody

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Being irresponsible isnt illegal ABBY!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

if this ends with Abby getting hit by a truck it will all have been worth it

gellaho

Anyway, here's the worst recipe so far

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I can get into a horrible crash with my dogs, children, grandmother, and lover if I want and YOU CANT STOP ME!

FancyShark

Meera was blacklisted by HGTV, but she will have the last laugh!

gellaho

Fucking putting labeling as a step

FancyShark

Oh, should I put stoppers on the bottles, Meera?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Waste of good brandy.

FancyShark

Or should I toss the open bottles into the air like confetti?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Or bad brandy.

gellaho

Just drink the wine, Meera

FancyShark

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

She's falling back on her tidbit list trick of just repeating the same hot tip over and over.

infinite tempest jakesy

Someone in her writing class absolutely told her a real novel had to be over 300 pages and by god she's going to get there

gellaho

A classic

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Fuck you, Meera.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

BOTTLE AND STOP YOUR LIQUIDS! BOTTLE AND STOP YOUR LIQUIDS! AWWWK!

infinite tempest jakesy

Maybe someone named Philippe

gellaho

Suck my dick, Phillipe. You fake French fuck

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Fuck off Philippe, you shithead. Also fuck you Meera, French people eat in their cars.

gellaho

Cars are more advanced than tables, Philippe

FancyShark

Philippe once ordered a filet mignon from a drive-thru and when they laughed at him he cursed the invention of the automobile

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

In trying to make Philippe classy and French, Meera just made him a fussy asshole.

infinite tempest jakesy

Philippe is from Rimouski, as a reminder

Or (name any other small Quebec town)

gellaho

How did the Canadian hockey dudes not beat this guy's ass

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

"Oh look at me, I'm Philippe, I pretend to be from Franch, dont like dogs, and am shitty about food. I dont eat except with a full spread of silverware."

FancyShark

That's why he's in America. No extradition laws

gellaho

Franch

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

Here's Philippe getting dangled

gellaho

No words

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Sorry to bring up the Julia Child book again but while she was putting on her PBS show, home cooks in France were starting to adopt the American habits of using convenience foods.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I wish I could say it wasnt a typo but I like it better so I'm leaving it.

infinite tempest jakesy

Rap

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

ALSO FUCK YOU MEERA THE FRENCH LOVE HIP HOP!

FancyShark

Philippe could be Hannibal Lecter and these scenes wouldn't be compelling

gellaho

How did that end up as "two"

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I think Meera has never met a real French person

infinite tempest jakesy

Absolutely wild autocorrect

gellaho

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

My high school French teacher made me listen to a French rapping baby and it has replaced remembering my mothers birthday.

FancyShark

The dead French baker of cannolis loved his Mandarin table

infinite tempest jakesy

She can suck Albrecht Durer's wood nutz

gellaho

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I love this wine fact, ready?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Abby, you put a shrine to dead relatives on that kind of table, not eat off it, you fucking monster.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

We had/have this pholoxera (sp?) vine parasite that got introduced to Europe way back

gellaho

The only thing I care about French wine is the Orson Welles commercial

FancyShark

Desicrating the dead is more an English thing

infinite tempest jakesy

Also French wine is pretty mid tbh

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The only way they still have any European grape vines is they had to graft them to our resistant rootstock.

infinite tempest jakesy

Italian wine is better anyway

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

So 🖕🖕

infinite tempest jakesy

We did indeed save their wine culture

FancyShark

Jager shots are more romantic

gellaho

A romantic frame

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

after first ruining it by accident

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Suck it France!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

it's a very American narrative arc

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

We will call our cheese whatever we want!

FancyShark

It's romantic because it's made out of lip skin

gellaho

French wines are only romantic because their language is based on Latin

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

The little Lisa Frank stickers are a dead giveaway that this person was dead guys crush.

gellaho

J-lo did it

infinite tempest jakesy

Also I was in actual Paris a month ago and everyone is drinking rose right now like some wasted sorority girls at brunch so get this "we're so fancy" bs out of here

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Rosé was trendy here, like, when my son was born.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Or maybe your brother didnt tell you the first name of every single dude he fucked, PHILIPPE.

gellaho

I hate this book, I hate these fake people

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Eat my ass, Philippe, it is so art.

FancyShark

"The eyes are scratched out."

"That's not important."

gellaho

I was so mad, I forgot the letter "R"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Come knife fight me if you disagree, Philippe. You can wear your little Savate shoes.

FancyShark

Ladies love hearing about other women you've banged

gellaho

Apparently

gellaho

Hope there are plastic sheets on that bed

FancyShark

Women's Lib is putting out a hit on Meera

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

"Ze one time, I put my, 'ow you say.......fingers? In a womans mouth and ate le creme brulee from her breasts!"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Malleable putty. Like Playdoh, or Semtex

gellaho

FancyShark

Or taffy. Taffy's erotic, right?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Especially if its salt water taffy

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

Ah, back when I had only read "Bad Rap"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Just fuck already.

gellaho

Back when I only knew of him as a misogynist and not a lovable unkillable highlander

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Hurry up and contract syphillis, Abby!

FancyShark

I think she has

infinite tempest jakesy

Abby has already slid off the bed and onto the floor

gellaho

Such a great time

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Okay now she should do it the fun way and not from a rest stop toilet seat.

FancyShark

And that's why French businessmen have sex after every deal

gellaho

This is some bullshit

gellaho

I assume @infinite tempest jakesy will take some offense to this French fop claiming hockey

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Also Meera, I hope Andrea Dworkin punches you in the mouth in hell.

gellaho

And football

Although it's Canadian football, so

infinite tempest jakesy

I'm more offended that he claims football

FancyShark

Phillipe, you stayed home from prom to make a macrame portrait of Linus Torvald

infinite tempest jakesy

Goalposts in the middle of the end zones and shit, get this gray cup trash out of here

gellaho

Not real football though

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Zis is, how you say, le bullsheet

sucks on a cigarette

infinite tempest jakesy

Also if he's a real Canadian his second sport is box lacrosse

gellaho

FancyShark

That sounds like a good way to hate kissing forever

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Man no wonder Philippe is weird about women.

gellaho

Or apologizing

infinite tempest jakesy

Why didn't you know this, MEERA

gellaho

I don't even really need to say much, my 28 year old self is good enough

infinite tempest jakesy

What can you say, she likes bad boys

gellaho

Until 1994!?

FancyShark

It was a fun movie, but it wasn't that good

gellaho

Hockey can't catch a break

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

When was this book published?

gellaho

Not even curling?

gellaho

2015

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

WTF she has no excuse, Google that shit

infinite tempest jakesy

That was the year NHL 94 came out on sega genesis, I assume those two things are related

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

NHL 94 was so good.

infinite tempest jakesy

Mark or Mario?

Gotta go with Mark imo, he's got esa tikannen on the wing and iron Mike richter in net

Brian Leetch defense

Rangers we're a powerhouse

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I only ever played it, I dont know hockey, and I didnt know how to play it so I mostly just started fights.

gellaho

You know boys, always burning off their eyebrows to get muffins

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahaha fair enough

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

And lost them.

Because the rental place didnt have a manual.

infinite tempest jakesy

To this day I still have a Super Nintendo cartridge of that game

gellaho

FancyShark

The blaze also killed their third brother, but we don't talk about that

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol

FancyShark

Chief Bob Allen!

gellaho

Pumped by the pumper

FancyShark

"Everyone knew that. Nobody cared." is Meera's entire process

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Poor Chief Bob Allen, the fuckers are making fun of his warty hide and they dont know that warts can sometimes be cancer.

gellaho

infinite tempest jakesy

Chief Bob Allen is out with a broken ass and this is how they treat him

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Chief Bob Allen has put more work into tracking down the killer than Abby has in 200 pages.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

"Then Chief Bob Allens car burst into flames, and Chief Bob Allen was badly burned, and then Chief Bob Allen was attacked by a swarm of bees attracted by the stink of burning cop."

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

This overuse of the girlfriend thing makes me suspect a man writing under a feminine pseudonym.

gellaho

The old man broke his tailbone, hilarious

FancyShark

I still think Meera's a woman who never had friends

gellaho

Bad news https://1900hotdog.com/2020/12/learning-day-365-ways-to-live-happy/

infinite tempest jakesy

Or a super white person who's too sheltered to have ethnic friends

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Wait wait what ethnicity is Kat?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

The driver of that fire engine is getting fired and Chief Bob Allen will probably extrajudically murder him. Laugh about that, Abby.

gellaho

Russian

FancyShark

Sounds like Chief Bob Allen pissed off the wrong guy in Kamurocho

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oh wait, I forgot that's who we're reading!

😝

gellaho

"Bonjour. It is I, Philippe"

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Are there readable fields out there?

infinite tempest jakesy

Hu-man men do anger?

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I've read fallow fields more readable than this book.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

It has been theorized that men respond to being upset in ways that are different than women

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I mean if you plant the soy beans in the right way, yeah they can be readable.

Mostly its just pictures of dicks to baffle NASA.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

no one tries to sell being french this hard except people who are not french and hack writers who want people to think they know how french people act