101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

gellaho

You don't say

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If Gandhi is such a pacifist why does he keep nuking my cities TALLULAH!?

FancyShark

GASP! Tallulah is a Bigfoot!

gellaho

I got a lotta candles to light

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FancyShark

"Souls of the dead go bad really fast, so there's a ticking clock element"

Brendan

These seem like things white girls with purple dreadlocks are the likeliest to say.

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"It's like croissants, if you leave them too long they get hard and yucky."

gellaho

All this murder makes me hungry

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Fuck yeah, recipes.

FancyShark

See if you can bake something without getting murdered!

gellaho

I clearly enjoyed this book

Brendan

PROUST cares, gellaho

FancyShark

Did you pull it off? Congratulations! You're better at this than the dead chef!

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I mean its important to know how many a recipe serves so you know if you need to make multiple batches.

gellaho

That's what you buy a mystery book for

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I appreciate Meera gave us a complete recipe and didnt half ass it even as I wonder who this is for again.

gellaho

Why do I want stronger eggshells

FancyShark

If you think about it, a recipe is just a mystery about how to make something delicious

Brendan

Set the madelines on the counter and wait for a tig bitty goth girl to follow the aroma to your register.

FancyShark

So when you egg something, it's like a brick

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Big titty goth girls loooooove cookies, thats how them titties got so big.

gellaho

Clay comes in, Clay goes out

FancyShark

The really unfinished kitchen. Like, bare wires and roughed-in floorboards

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Really what that tip is trying to tell you is to grind up the bones of your murder victims and feed the meal to your chickens.

gellaho

The old architectural salvage yard

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Mix it with molasses and roll it into little balls, chickens love that shit.

So do fish.

gellaho

28 year olds love doilies

FancyShark

Kat sounds like a good 1900Hotdog scholar

Brendan

On this homestead we make our OWN homicide investigations with no artificial chemicals.

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Abby and Kat are secret grandmas.

Were grandmas.

FancyShark

A lady who loves antiques? How fascinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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On nights of the full moon they transform and go antiquing and get an early bird special.

gellaho

I've got a thing for onions and lettuce

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The only way to defeat a were grandma is to push her down a set of silver stairs.

Abby "Horny for Onions" Mackenzie, Farmer Cop.

FancyShark

Better Homes and Gardens Presents BAKER'S DIE

gellaho

Las Vegas Bake-off

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So Abby and Kat are basically lesbians, right? This is what I imagine a certain kind of old lesbian acts like at home.

gellaho

Can you tell I was getting tired of this book

FancyShark

Uh, ladies? The murder?

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Tallulah would have enjoyed the crystal bowl.

gellaho

Just full of frenchmen

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Well, yeah, of course hes a master manipulator. Hes a chef.

gellaho

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Like you did?

FancyShark

This has to be breaking some kind of law about not involving civilians

gellaho

FancyShark

She proceeded to saw open her head

Brendan

Sure, lesbians are mad for onions, and they're always trying to eat more calcium for stronger eggs.

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Women are like moray eels, when they think they open and close their primary jaws to circulate oxygen.

Brendan

Hey

HEY

gellaho

I make an excellent point

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GIF

Brendan

Why did the baker quarrel with his landlord?

He didn't want to give more DOUGH.

FancyShark

BOOM

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GIF

Brendan

Thank you, to make stronger eggs, feed your lesbians bone meal powder. I'll be here all week, try the veal bones.

gellaho

This is where I started editing the book

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My lesbians are all free range, they get their calcium from devouring lizards and small mammals.

Brendan

Impossible! All lesbians are vegetarians by nature, you have to trick them with molasses.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Gellaho heckling his own books feels like if the hosts of MST3K started heckling the movies while they showed them.

… Wait

gellaho

A great thing to write after five pages of baseless speculation

FancyShark

Abby, you're not getting paid for this

It's a good thing farms just run themselves

gellaho

I can't believe she picked this number

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Bees arent that complicated once you get the hives set up.

"I;m pretty sure its some kind of gang tattoo, or a sex thing."

FancyShark

Meera, if this turns out to be the zodiac symbol for cancer, I'm going to be annoyed

gellaho

I prefer inkmeister, myself

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The really insufferable ones call themselves inkmaesters, and you should hit them with a stick.

gellaho

I have bad news

FancyShark

DAMMIT

Also, nice

But DAMMIT

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

♋

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hahahahah imagine being the kind of dork who gets your astrological sign tattooed on your arm.

gellaho

She's also psychic, but like a shitty psychic

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And i say that as the kind of dork who once seriously considered getting a badass flaming snake tattoo.

FancyShark

The temptation is real

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"Avoiding the grumpy" is one of the many supernatural powers of the weregrandma.

gellaho

In case you didn't know how grandparents worked

FancyShark

Psychics being killed by horses!

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The only thing standing between me and a sleeve tat composed of celtic knotwork is I dont have the cash for it.

infinite tempest jakesy

Meera knows a thing or two about women prattling

gellaho

Gottem

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Never ignore the warnings of the were grandma, its bad luck to cross them.

gellaho

Abby is positively perky about a truckload of shit

Brendan

How are these two homestead granola but they don't recognize Aquarius?

FancyShark

So far, this book reads like My First Murder Mystery

Brendan

Excuse me, cancer, I haven't been eating enough calcium-onions.

gellaho

Girlfriend, said the 28 year old cop to the retiree

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It's like a bad episode of Murder She Wrote but less erotically charged.

gellaho

That's literally what it is, so that makes sense

It's now time for my favorite sentence

infinite tempest jakesy

How many sighs can you make while biting your lip

Brendan

"The redhead licked her lips"

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Many sexy ones.

gellaho

At least, my favorite sentence not involving measuring length in tall men

infinite tempest jakesy

Meera wishes she had the talent to moisten lips

gellaho

It's so beautiful

FancyShark

Oh thank god, Meera's just insane

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lmaooooooo

Brendan

fffffuuu

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From this we can tell, Abby has no friends who are not Kat.

Brendan

Once in a while you meet someone with a ghost story

FancyShark

Kat is the nurse who changes Abby's bedpan

Brendan

And way more often than that you meet someone like Abby, who has a dozen of them.

gellaho

No, I'm not crazy! He communed with the bees! I SAW IT!

Brendan

"I've been intuiting bees all my life. It just runs in my family. My friends know to trust my 'kooky' bee feelings."

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Now in her defense, bees are really good listeners.

Brendan

FUCK SHE SAID KOOKY

FancyShark

SCOOOOOOOOPED

Brendan

BUZZED

infinite tempest jakesy

The word farmette makes me so angry

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Abby doesnt know that all French people come with Speak To Bees when you roll them.

gellaho

This is how people talk

FancyShark

Chief Bob Allen loves him a fuchsia scarf

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Imagine that, a mayoral candidate being politically driven.

infinite tempest jakesy

Someone call Shakes, because that sentence is two (in) tense(s) (using multiple tenses)

gellaho

Time for Meera Lester's tit update:

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahahahaha

Wrinkled goose eggs!

FancyShark

lol

It's so gross

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infinite tempest jakesy

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Brendan

Abby, breaking character

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

gellaho

The LGBT coalition

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Does goose egg imply they are small or round or what?!

Brendan

Toots whispered conspiratorally to abby, "fui quod es, eris quod sum ."

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Do they literally look like goose eggs in a wrinkly sock?!

FancyShark

I think it means they're zeroes?

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah I am also still confused by the unit of tit measure

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

we need an expert

gellaho

Everyone in town goes to the tough biker bar apparently

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Stop the story Meera, we need you to explain what the tits look like better.

Brendan

"I am a very heterosexual, TRADITIONAL, strong AMERICAN and I DO NOT LIKE all these hoomansensuals obscuring my goose-egg staring!"

infinite tempest jakesy

Jesus I forgot how bad she is at dialogue. Literally nobody talks like this

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

It's more of a soviet, anyway

FancyShark

And the action is thwarted

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HIT HER ANYWAY! SHE SPILLED BEER!\

gellaho

Meera really wants you to know how much she likes gay people

gellaho

She'll have this biker use out of date slurs for as long as she has to

Brendan

Okay, this is a thing but

I have an abiding love for women writing tough guys.

Guys writing tough guys badly is bad in a different way. I have trouble explaining it. It's not worse or better, it's just a thing I have noticed since Fifty Shades.

I might be making ALL of this distinction up, fuck it, cancel me.

gellaho

She really shut him up by using her own out of date slang

infinite tempest jakesy

I feel like Meera's version of a tough guy is John Travolta in Grease

Brendan

But the biker who's like, "But they do not have HUMANITY, lady!"

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I love when authors want to write a frothing bigot but feel like they cant use the real bad words so the tough biker talks like your racist grandad being on his best behavior.

infinite tempest jakesy

When a real tough guy is John Travolta in Face/Off

gellaho

And now for lavender tips

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

The investigation proceeds apace!

Brendan

And to be super duper clear, I'm not talking about authors who sell it. Strictly bad writers. I am fascinated by the different perceptions in wannabe tough dudes.

gellaho

Meera Lester's shit tips

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So I'm genuinely beginning to think Meera has ADHD or sent the wrong pages to her editors.

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah Meera is producing plenty of manure right now

gellaho

Proffer #2

Brendan

Drunk bikers defending their masculine identity safe space are famous for heeding reason.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Yeah this is definitely commentary on her writing process.

gellaho

And some #2 proffered to the lovingly restored pickup

FancyShark

I hope she told the bees about the bigot

infinite tempest jakesy

She writes dialogue like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth

gellaho

And now, the passing of another redhead

Brendan

Bees, the name of your next target is Harlan Swagger.

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Naw, thats how you get anti-LGBT honey, the bees turn words and thoughts into honey, if you give them bad things the honey sucks.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

It's like plants, you have to give them good thoughts like heavy metal to get them to grow right

Brendan

Her name was Robert Paulsen. Presumably.

In Project Bee she had no name.

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Hahahahah she got double fungus flu and died, like a wuuuuuuuuusssss.

gellaho

Meera-I mean - Abby is soooo interesting

FancyShark

Lucas eats nothing but portabellas and shiitake in vengeance

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Okay but I would totally go listen to some Irish fiddle. That shit is poppin

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Kat........at thirty seven you just wanna go home and go to bed, fuck going out to eat.

Home by sundown and some iced tea on the porch.

gellaho

YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU MOCKED MY FARM WHEN IT HAS BECOME AN EMPIRE

FancyShark

At thirty seven, you're working, Kat

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

Empire of the Bees would have been a radder title

infinite tempest jakesy

She has the social life of John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

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Abby is right, at this point you have to pet the cows every day so the milk is S rank, and then you have to water your crops, it doesnt leave alot of time to go looking for geodes.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

at least John got to live in a sick zorb

gellaho

Murder dog

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Aww poor doggie.

FancyShark

"She goes apeshit around bees. Is that a problem?"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

aw man, I don't have any japes for a dog that lost its owner. that shit just makes me sad

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You can tell Meera is not all that rural despite all the tips, someones pet dog is going to be a shitty watchdog.

Hope you like guessing whether the dog is barking at a weird shaped tree or a coyote.

gellaho

Meera inserts her own dog into the story, because this isn't self-indulgent enough yet

FancyShark

That's...not a watchdog

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haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahah

its part whippet.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Still a good girl though. It's not the dog's fault her writer owner's a hack

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Its like 90% shivering.

What a weird mix of dog breeds.

Probably makes a noise like a dying turkey.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

And yet probably healthier on average

gellaho

Abby asks the dog to not scratch up her furniture and then they both have a mental breakdown about it

gellaho

FancyShark

Abby is gonna let the bees handle this one

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

don't take it personally Abby, "its body quivered" is just its natural state

Brendan

There is a 10% chance that dog has eaten human flesh.

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Its got whippet in there so you really have to be nicer, Abby, they are really emotionally fragile.

If you dont then you get submissive peeing, and that is just a whole cycle of badness.

Brendan

I saw a corgi/dachshund mix today.

gellaho

I agree with myself, fuck off

Brendan

I'm going to call it a dorky

infinite tempest jakesy

We already have bees, the last thing we need is pees

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

that must have been an interesting hookup

Brendan

My lab puppy in high school chewed up the legs of the china hutch--

and my adorable parents were like "This is a valuable antique! It belonged to Eugene O'Neil's mistress!"

gellaho

Brendan

anyway, she's dead now.

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"big girl" meaning granny.

Brendan

BLOOMERS

infinite tempest jakesy

Wait so she established in the previous paragraph that this thing was already beat to shit, why would she care about more scratches

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Ew she let the dog WATCH.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"restorative bath" like she's climbing out of the shrine of resurrection

FancyShark

Ra's Abby Ghul

infinite tempest jakesy

Something doesn't add up here

gellaho

This version of California is apparently West Virginia a century ago

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Pickaxes?

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol is he a 49er?

Brendan

When that man told her he loved drilling big tunnels, she thought she'd found a partner for life.

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What the fuck, Meera, this isnt fucking Minecraft.

Brendan

The wandering call of the bore press

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

She packed him a big sack lunch that day, he had to beat the hell out of some Pinkertons during the West Califorginia Coal Wars

Ramb$ne

That's a 500 mile tunnel she just described

gellaho

To the wine cave!

Brendan

*lunch pail

Olive wine for all!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

too poor for lunch pails

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

the famous California Chunnel!

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol is this guy a mole or something

Brendan

lunch bindle. Burlap, not gingham. We ain't fancy folk.

infinite tempest jakesy

Just loves digging holes and shit

FancyShark

A thousand windows? Abby, do you have any idea what that costs?

Ramb$ne

It would actually have to go through the San Francisco Bay at some point so you're more right than you'd know!

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

man, sign me up for civil engineering!

infinite tempest jakesy

But also it would be almonds, not olives

gellaho

That's Stone Cold's music!

infinite tempest jakesy

Do your research Meera

Brendan

Hi, I'm Louis May Alcott, author of the Newbery Award Winning STRAWBERRY GIRL. We all think about a life drilling tunnels for Elon Musk, but have you ever considered the human cost? join me, won't you, in listening to the tale the BEES have to tell...

infinite tempest jakesy

Fuckin finally, he's come to give her a much deserved stunner

Ramb$ne

They grow a lot of olives north of sac

Basically in the famous wine band

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

I did not know this

Brendan

FOCK FEAR

gellaho

Abby lives next to an old haunted house

Brendan

maybe the jaw is a U but it has an umlaut made of eye sockets

Ramb$ne

Italian families moved out here to do wine and some started olive orchards on the side

Brendan

I worked so many branded article campaigns for wineries run by this couple

Dear, now that we're 43, I think it would be fun to buy $20m worth of land and never put any work into it.

Brendan

This tracks.

FancyShark

Abby is the town narc

Brendan

How many lemon trees though

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Olives just kind of start happening once you get X number of Italians.

gellaho

This is where I had an existential crisis

infinite tempest jakesy

They reached Peak Gabagool

Brendan

Abby crossstiches a sampler that says JEFFERSON STATE SECESSION OR BLOOD

Great, now I want baclava

FancyShark

Dammit, now I want baclava too

gellaho

It's a C- third grade book report on honey

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The only thing you should do with that much honey is make homemade mead.

gellaho

Fucking garbage

Ramb$ne

i read balaclava so i thought you'd be wrapping your heads in phyllo and dreching yourselves in honey

gellaho

"Cuck," said the squirrel

FancyShark

That does sound good

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

the tuber moon rises once again....