101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

infinite tempest jakesy

We're all in hell and this is our punishment

FancyShark

Not knowing what it was

infinite tempest jakesy

Hellaho

FancyShark

And they'll continue reading it forever just because

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

Imagine making it through three of these?

gellaho

The next morning, a thing actually happens

FancyShark

I'm having trouble imagining us making it through this one

gellaho

I can make that a reality

infinite tempest jakesy

Wait was the cop inside of her and then attacked her?

Like as in fucking

FancyShark

You're totally being attacked, girlfriend

infinite tempest jakesy

At this point I welcome death so bring it on

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Now this is stuck in my head

https://youtu.be/hzFpiW5vHrc

gellaho

Then she gets punched in the face

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Time to clench your sphincter and dart your eyes around, its Self Defense Class With Abby!

LyraV

Doooo it tie her up and leave her for the bees.

infinite tempest jakesy

Oh no is the rooster like a were-rooster

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Abby, its not a sucker punch if its in the face and mid fight.

infinite tempest jakesy

I didn't know the chicken scene was foreshadowing

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Invoking Snyder's Sucker Punch is a class IV book infraction.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Call your attack bees, farmletter!

infinite tempest jakesy

Dammit Meera

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Like you have to not be expecting to be punched for it to be a sucker punch, by mid fight you kind of know what to expect.

LyraV

Thank you I had the same thought

gellaho

And then the dog that started shaking uncontrollably after she gently raised her voice at it is now a vicious attack dog

LyraV

Like did he run away then run back and surprise you?

FancyShark

Meera, when we said you should make things happen, you may have overcorrected

infinite tempest jakesy

Bad use of ellipses too

LyraV

Adding a lot to the recipe at the last minute is almost certainly a good idea

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Hahahahah what a terrible thug, he's being attacked by a fucking whippet cross breed.

gellaho

Abby tells Philippe to grab her gun. Instead, he says something French and throws a small rock

FancyShark

She better pull out all the stops on the one this chapter

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Like if you are stymied by an animal that has whippet anywhere near its genetics you need to hit the gym.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Whippet good, into the wall

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"I threw a rock at him!"

GIF

LyraV

Quick throw in some sprinkles and brandy before everyone realizes you can't cook OR write

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I dont mean to be on the wrong side here but cmon. Whippet.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

"... it was a big rock."

gellaho

Abby gets her gun and Meera has a 1950s understanding of bikers

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

hahaha if she tries to play this off as a hate crime I'm going to be so mad.

FancyShark

I mean, he just tried to rape you, Abby. I think you're allowed to shoot at least one testicle

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

He slicked back his greasy pompadour with one hand and said, "Eyyyy dollface"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Gun him down on your lawn, he threatened your dog Abby.

gellaho

The widower cowboy randomly shows up

LyraV

Sure Lucas you do that, ha!

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Like steal my stuff, fine. Do whatever you want to me, I have mercy. Threaten my dog and you will die.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

LyraV

Lucas couldn't beat the daylights out of the night.

gellaho

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Hey hey, throttle down Abby, he only asked a question

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Look, Meera read a Reader's Digest article on the Text Lingo Parents Should Know

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

So Philippe is also not hip to the lingo, my droogies.

gellaho

Gasp

LyraV

Shit Writing Yields Problems

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Huh.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

FUCKIN SURPRISE

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Looks like your bullshit theory was totally bullshit, Abby.

gellaho

What a puss

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

he didn't even do any splits. fuck this guy

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Non, not le blood

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

He's not gonna check on the bees, hes going to smoke.

FancyShark

Hence why he strangled his brother

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Smoke out the bees, steal the queen, start a rival farmette

gellaho

Sorry, Lucas, she's dating the fake Frenchman who is afraid of blood, planning funerals, American wine, his brother's dog, and eating in cars

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Bees probably make him nauseous, like riding in a car, blood, American wines, and women having opinions.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Of course there's a love triangle

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Yeah actually Abby, you should maybe consider that Philippe is kind of a spare dick at a wedding when it comes down to it.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

With a French guy and a cowboy, how subtle

gellaho

So cool

gellaho

Or a funeral, more accurately

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

BITCH ITS 2015 WHY DO YOU HAVE A SINGLE ACTION REVOLVER!?

FancyShark

A 251-pound attacker will of course shrug off the bullets like gnats

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"Here, let me steady your aim," he drawled, putting his strong arms around her and his hands over hers on the gun.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Abby if you were a fucking cop you would know this but revolver bad.

gellaho

I know what she needs

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

in which Meera discovers she fucked up and the cowboy angle was much more erotic but the manuscript is due two days from now and it's too late to do a page one reqwrite

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Meera played way too much Metal Gear Solid.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Country singer voice, I'm thinking of just the most pussy-drying twang

gellaho

My favorite hotdog Artifact

LyraV

I think when you start counting the years it somewhat negates the niceness?

Well I'll only have this dog for 6.5 years, one week over and they're out

LyraV

I'd love to watch my boss read this.

gellaho

Do you want to be a crazy pet owner?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

"Well hey y'all, my name is Travis Tweedle and I love America and non-woke beers! Yeeeehaw!"

gellaho

Then slavishly bake for your dog!

gellaho

You know, the thing that licks itself!

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Bake them super dry or they go moldy like that

(voice of experience)

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Ive owned dogs for many years. You can just fucking give them part of your food, its fine.

FancyShark

NO PEOPLE FOOD!

gellaho

Fuck off

FancyShark

At least, not from the table

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Well no, not unless you like an audience when you eat.

infinite tempest jakesy

I missed the spiritual wisdom section of the almanac

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

It IS real convenient tho when you drop something.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The thing I like about gardening in my zone is that just as you're sick of dealing with it, everything dies for the winter anyway.

gellaho

Uh, oh, she's talking about herbalists

infinite tempest jakesy

Uh oh time for essential oils baby

LyraV

Abby asked for a quarter of Manatuka Thunderfuck

(real strain name)

infinite tempest jakesy

Also my drag name

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Ive always thought it was funny certain people think herbs are fine but wont take drugs, like......how do you think an herbal something would do anything?

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The same herbalist as dudeman she was hassling earlier?

gellaho

I don't think rubbing lemons on your head is going to do a whole lot

infinite tempest jakesy

Ok BIG PHARMA

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

They only like herbs if they don't do anything

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Make you smell good and ward off mosquitos.

FancyShark

I think if you do that and then go out in the sun, the sun restores the coloring to your hair?

Or I'm thinking of the coloring on an SNES

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Like half the supplements for calmness have lemon balm and I'm like bitch I drink home grown lemon balm tea do I look calm to you??

FancyShark

It's one of those two

gellaho

Jesus Christ, you needy fuck

infinite tempest jakesy

Ligma balms

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

If lemons gave you psychic powers I feel like I'd know.

gellaho

OK, upload the file please

gellaho

Making me look crazy

Anyway, he's a needy fuck

LyraV

noted.

gellaho

Who didn't even do what she told him to

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahaha it's official now, nobody else can claim it

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Now you gotta make good on it though

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Its good Philippe was too Franch to get the gun, he'd have probably passed out.

FancyShark

Phillipe is the kind of guy who tells you to hold your own hair when you vomit into a toilet

infinite tempest jakesy

The last time I dressed in drag was for a college talent show and I feel like there has to be some real deep footage out there somewhere

gellaho

The honey flow was starting

FancyShark

"And I can't kennel the bees after last time"

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The honey flow for the widowed cowboy 😏

infinite tempest jakesy

Also she can't fuck the Cowboy with captain baguette around

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I think we hit send simultaneously

gellaho

If he was threatened by smart women, then what was his problem with Abby?

gellaho

Gottem!

FancyShark

BOOM

infinite tempest jakesy

The ideal scenario

Through I scooped myself just in case

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

High five

FancyShark

Chief Bob Allen: known misogynist

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Unless that wasn't a double entendre

infinite tempest jakesy

GIF

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Chief Bob Allen grows a new wart for every time he does a misogyny. He's basically one third toad.

gellaho

So, they're cousins by marriage? Aren't they usually?

infinite tempest jakesy

Also wait when did this chief Bob Allen lore come out?

gellaho

Because if they are cousins because somebody remarried, they wouldn't have the same last name

infinite tempest jakesy

Is this just some excuse for why she's glad he's dead

FancyShark

Chief Bob Allen isn't dead!

gellaho

He just broke his ass

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol oh yeah right

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

God that feels like it happend ages ago.

LyraV

I was waiting for the end to light this joint but cheers ya'll I can't anymore maybe this will start to make sense

gellaho

I mean, if he doesn't have a lawyer you have to give him one

gellaho

Meera? Have you not even watched television about the law?

LyraV

She watched Matlock

bet

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

This cooze better not introduce a new character at the very end to be the murderer

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Meera has watched Cop Rock and maybe Law and Order SVU but not really understood it.

infinite tempest jakesy

Which is unfortunate because this book has Murder She Wrote all over it

infinite tempest jakesy

I mean you know in your heart this is like 90% to happen

LyraV

I keep comparing her writing to what she must bring to parties as food and this would be icing on a jello mold level of writing

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Meera writes like someone who watches alot of Law and Order and gets frustrated.

gellaho

Jessica Fletcher would never

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

"Oh the killer was guy we never mentioned before!"

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I might forgive Meera if there is no murderer and it was a suicide after all.

gellaho

Anyway, not suspicious at all

infinite tempest jakesy

"The Caribbean" is a popular location huh

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I do my best widower grieving in the Caribbean.

gellaho

This just in: mostly the same information

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah but in the ca-rib-e-an or the care-a-be-an?

LyraV

Beach mourning is what rich widows call it.

FancyShark

So he literally knows she's been within several hundred miles of a single phone tower. Great work, guys

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Nothing fixes missing your dead wife like being balls deep in affluent milfs and island sex workers.

infinite tempest jakesy

Also did she mean rifled through

FancyShark

THANK you

infinite tempest jakesy

I smell another motivational poster @Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

gellaho

She meant ruffled through

Just full of Ruffles

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

On it

gellaho

LyraV

There's a 'mourning section' that's really a fancy cigar bar.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

I hate it when malefactors stuff my purse with ruffled potato chips.

FancyShark

Meera, they have GPS in 2015. You don't have to triangulate signals

LyraV

At 6:14pm Abby realized she was being pedantic and checking her phone far too often.

gellaho

And the criminals are apprehended and confess off-page

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

hahahahah so Abby was entirely superfluous the entire time.

FancyShark

mother of god, so phillipe is going to be a recurring character?

LyraV

wish I just felt something, anything but this book has taken feeling and made it into terrible honey.

gellaho

Finding more clues after the case is over, bold

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Double lol, so Eva wasnt even fucking someone interesting, she just roped a rando in.

FancyShark

I refuse to accept this outcome unless the book ends

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Oh no, theres 30 more pages of recipes and bee gibberish to get thru.

FancyShark

AAAAGGGHHH! I'll accept the outcome!

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Not even being underwater can save you from Meera and the bees.

FancyShark

NOOOOOO!

gellaho

Then Kat gives the rundown, making Abby more useless

gellaho

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Man five thousand? Thats a bargain hit.

infinite tempest jakesy

So the murder was solved off screen and they're now speculating how it could have gone down? After it's been solved?

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Lady you could have gotten a divorce, its California, you'd probably get half.

LyraV

the recipes don't strike me as weird which says a lot about the books I've read.

FancyShark

Yeah, that's Walmart parking lot money

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

gellaho

Abby just asks a lot of questions, clearly not understanding the crime

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Most of the recipes have at least sounded okay, to be fair. Teh food ones anyway, Im kind of neutral on making your own essential oils.

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

Exactly what you want in a mystery

infinite tempest jakesy

She does it again

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Saving this for comforting the bereaved.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

If the overlords (ahem @Seanbaby and @Brockway ) ever start merch back up, they should make these posters for sale. Or T-shirts

LyraV

I've read a couple murder mysteries about a woman name Goldi Locks that runs a catering company and solves murders with gourmet recipes.

the titles are all a play on words about murder and catering if I remember correctly.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Oh cool like Food Wars but also Death Note.

gellaho

Hooligans

LyraV

Only a thousand times more terrible lol

infinite tempest jakesy

If you guys are into real detective stories have I got a series and an author for you

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

And I just spoke something cursed into existence again.

FancyShark

How did we manage to find another lady author who fills the entire book with pointless bullshit and then explains the real story in a police dispatch at the end of the book?

gellaho

Buh

FancyShark

He spontaneously combusted

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Chief Bob Allen would say its because the female brain is inherently bad at logic and less structured and writing is therefore a male pursuit, as he sprouts another wart.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I just say "cleavage"

LyraV

buh sums it up perfectly.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Everyone knows WTF cleavage is

gellaho

Zis Parkinson's disease!

LyraV

can you imagine if someone called it that to your face? idk i think i'd just laugh

FancyShark

That's Alzheimer's, you French fuck

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Only if it's from the Alzheimer's region of France oh forget it I can't

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol yeah trying to talk sexy like "oooh yeah let me see that décolletage baby"

gellaho

I've said it before, and I will say it again, bad writing is immune to gender

LyraV

you want to caress my deco what? get the fuck out of here Phillipe and come back when you can say boobs.

gellaho

Ze dizease, mon ami!

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

If theres one lesson you should take from Book Cage its the opposite lesson of the one from Ratatouille, not everyone can write. Especially not rats.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Yes, I can: sparkling dementia

Going for that Ruff Chuckle

LyraV

I also learned Michael Dorn couldn't write even with help.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Rats are real smart and have a lot of cool skills but writing isnt one of them.

LyraV

plus a bunch of stuff about bees and apes.

gellaho

Moi maman, her Parkinson's has made me, how you say, horny

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Tho I would watch a movie that was about a dude helping a rat write a bestselling novel.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Gimme that baguette, Phil

FancyShark

The bees hollow him out and use his plane ticket to New York to reach the UN

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

GIF

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

He wants to hide his baguette in her couche

LyraV

Look this lady couldn't bring herself to say boobs I dont trust her to write anything close to a sex scene without 18 layers of abstraction.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Is what I should have said

gellaho

Ze cock-blocking bees

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Whip out that aubergine

FancyShark

She describes someone doing the finger in the okay sign gesture while going "huh? Get it?"

infinite tempest jakesy

She wants the bees to watch

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

The bees represent Abbys orgasm.

gellaho

She has said boobs, they just have to be high boobs

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The bees have to approve

Get that honey drip going

infinite tempest jakesy

Boobs are classified by height, décolletage is classified by width

Americans will do anything to avoid the metric system

gellaho

Boy do I hate this book

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

LyraV

I knew you were a person of distinction and high taste.

Premium Apeshine FlippantSausage

Oh.......Abby. You'll still use the bee suits.

gellaho

Preferably dark and thick

FancyShark

By the time they finish, they don't know where they end and the bee stings begin

UNsalted butter? What are you? A commie?

gellaho

And that goes on for a while

gellaho

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

This recipe represents the sex scene