101: A Beeline to Murder Meera Lester

gellaho

There are read-only fields

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I've seen some corn mazes incorporate a message I guess

gellaho

Just a little coding joke for nobody

Anyway, they try to invite some people to the funeral

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GIF

gellaho

The 69 is back, baby

FancyShark

Nice

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Cancer

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

♋

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol

gellaho

Just loving this book

infinite tempest jakesy

Using a magnifying glass to check out those sweet bis and tris

FancyShark

He's a cancer, but not the way you mean it, Meera

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Stop.........stop calling it "getting inked", it doesnt make you sound cool.

infinite tempest jakesy

Maybe they just like the sex position, ever think of that

gellaho

Enhance

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"Pledged them to each other" like Meera isnt writing this from a time when gay men can just get married and its fine.

gellaho

Nah, I don't think gay guys like the Caribbean

FancyShark

Or, hear me out, Abby: You could tell the cops

Because you are a civilian

And you are ruining any chance of conviction

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Im just saying, matching betrothal tattoos is for hetero white couples who drink a very specific kind of beer and live in trailers.

infinite tempest jakesy

I don't think in 2015 you need to explain the mechanics of taking a picture with an iPhone

I think we all got that down by now

FancyShark

She's going to explain website navigation. Mark my words

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"Missing piece of the puzzle" Abby you are rifling thru a dead persons posessions looking to figure out if he fucked any guys you dont know about.

gellaho

FancyShark

Jumpin' Jake Lennahan!

is what Jean-Louis was doing

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"Bisexual" Jake Lennahan.

gellaho

This is an affront to food

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The rootinest, tootinest, bisexualest car salesman on the east coast.

gellaho

You don't have to put honey in everything, lady

FancyShark

That doesn't sound half bad. Although she should just admit it serves one

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I mean honey IS pretty good.

gellaho

I also can't imagine buying a rotisserie chicken and then using it for something else

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I'm not sure about the honey mustard

infinite tempest jakesy

Because of Meera I hate honey now

gellaho

Just eat the rotisserie chicken lady

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Yeah if you buy a rotisserie chicken you are morally obligated to eat it with your bare hands.

gellaho

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

I've definitely used one for a recipe but then I got an instant pot and just put chicken thighs in that and then I don't have to strip a carcass.

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Just rip it apart like you are in an Uwe Boll movie and your name is Matthew Lillard.

FancyShark

CALM DOWN, YOU DYING FUCK! JUST CALM DOWN AND STOP DYING!

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

If you get one of those dogs that literally devours furniture it won't help your stress or BP

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I dont see how a dog is going to help your cholesterol, Meera.

gellaho

You literally just said it was stifling hot

infinite tempest jakesy

Maybe it's all the honey

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

My sister has two dogs and I think she's more stressed than before.

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Stress level and blood pressure, sure.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Maybe dog meat is low in cholesterol?

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Maybe she means you should get a dog trained to prevent you from eating fatty food too much?

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Or that eats it all for you

gellaho

Sure, this needs to be in the book

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Yeah thanks for the chicken rape, really sets the scene

This is the only sex we're gonna get in this book, you realize.

infinite tempest jakesy

Now it's time to dispense some Kentucky Fried Justice

Next up: Houdini Sandwiches with a honey drizzle

FancyShark

Chicken rape. It's what readers want.

gellaho

How about some chicken incest?

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What a dipshit thing to tell an animal in the first place.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

FancyShark

Full offense intended when I say, Meera, that Seanbaby explained how horrible chickens are much better than you

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Like you might as well just start explaining quantum physics because a chicken has about as much chance to understand that.

gellaho

Anyway, that farm shit goes on for a while

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God chickens are stupid, awful animals. Tasty and not the worst pet but dumb as a bag of hammers.

gellaho

The first thing Abby needs to tell the deceased is that she was on time

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol why was he on Hispaniola

FancyShark

"You can't dispute it, you dead fuck"

infinite tempest jakesy

That's so oddly specific

gellaho

Although, I bet you can guess what the second thing

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

And yet still too late

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Its nice he decided to bury his brother in a fuckin Hawaiian shirt.

gellaho

It's related to the second greatest sentence ever written

FancyShark

Is it "I haven't told the bees yet"?

gellaho

FancyShark

YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Holy fuck.

infinite tempest jakesy

I assume the best sentence ever written is "Steele moistened his lips"

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

A muted colors Hawaiian shirt

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Still havent told the bees, Abby is so arrogant. She thinks the bees dont already know?

FancyShark

I'm in your musty, unlit head, Meera

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

This is the saddest fucking funeral ever, but not in a way that would inspire pathos.

FancyShark

What's even the damn point?

infinite tempest jakesy

Yeah that's just a button down

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I feel bad for the dead guy, his shitty brother and his dumb honey woman are the only people who seem like they are coming.

infinite tempest jakesy

Business Hawaiian

FancyShark

The best sentence is "It was as long as ten tall men were tall"

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Man I hope when I die the only people who come to my funeral arent "My asshole fake French brother" and "The dippy moo I buy honey from."

gellaho

The crazy don't stop

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

FancyShark

If it helps, Sausage, the chef was notoriously a dick

infinite tempest jakesy

Metal Gear Solid: Bee Talker

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Man she really took the wrong message from that sentiment.

FancyShark

Muted color Hawaiian shirts are just tablecloths

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

His brother buried him in a shirt that looks like it was left out on the wash line for a year.

gellaho

infinite tempest jakesy

Lol yes

FancyShark

ah, shoot. I was in the right ballpark

gellaho

"I will open the hives and whisper my secrets to them"

infinite tempest jakesy

250 pages in and now you're pledging to find the killer?

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Note, at no point do they imply Abby and Jean-Louis were friends.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

He's already full of bees

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Just that he is friends with her bees.

infinite tempest jakesy

Full of bees nutz

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The coffin vibrates, his chest parts like rotting paper

The bees burst forth

FancyShark

"They will fly and the swarm shall carry my vengeance across the land. Now we need to bury you before the streetlights come on or the east-siders will steal your corpse for their play."

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Going full Deep Apiarist.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

the beenomorph!!!

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Do you think her bees are thrice warded against the Heart?

gellaho

At the burial, we learn that dog guy collided with the homeless woman

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahahaha

gellaho

Which they call a hit-and-run, which I don't know if that's a thing on a bike

FancyShark

On a bicycle?

infinite tempest jakesy

That'll teach that guy to bike with his dogs

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

but are the dogs okay???

FancyShark

That is 100% on the homeless lady unless it was at a corner

gellaho

I don't know if you need a search warrant for a shopping cart, they are famously easy to see through

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I feel like if these affluent dipshits really cared about that homeless lady theyd maybe give her a place to live?

infinite tempest jakesy

This is like a whole thing where Meera is inserting her neighbor who called her a weird bitch for talking to bees in real life is getting his imagined comeuppance, isn't it

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

does this town not have some kind of community center for the unfortunate?

gellaho

Unless it's one of those target shopping carts

Luxury

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

She's their pet homeless

Sometimes towns have one

FancyShark

This town has four things: A jewelry store, a bakery, stabbings and bees

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

There was an alcoholic guy they called the Mayor of Milford a few towns away from me.

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Just saying, y'all are down a chef, so a home is empty.

infinite tempest jakesy

I think JB Fletcher already moved in there

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I assume this was an Emperor Norton situation

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Usually they're mentally ill or in one way or another refuse or resist help.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oh yeah

gellaho

Randomly, a sheet of paper gets ejected from the casket

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Like he could walk in to most of the downtown restaurants and get a free meal.

infinite tempest jakesy

Magic paper

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

paper sharts. happens to the best of us

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Ah yes, the casket fan turned on

LyraV

You're not going to believe this but I've fallen asleep three times trying to read pages from this book. It might be truly cursed or a cure for insomnia.

gellaho

Excuse me, photograph. Because apparently she couldn't tell the difference

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahahahahaha

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

I genuinely have Gordon Ramsay on in another tab just to keep myself stimulated, I shudder to think what would become of me if I tried going in unprotected

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Damn, I could have used that the last few nights.

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Chefs........toque? Is that what its called?

infinite tempest jakesy

So wait the murder was solved by a confession written on a photo that magically flew out of the casket

Are you shitting me

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Yeah

gellaho

Soup time!

FancyShark

NGL, I thought the recipe was Asshole White Bean Soup

gellaho

Oh, is ham not vegetarian? Thanks for telling me

infinite tempest jakesy

White Asshole Bean Soup

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oh fuck you as though cassoulet isn't a thing

LyraV

I'm assuming this is Jean Louis

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Might

gellaho

Why

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Hahahah I love those books. Even after they got porny.

gellaho

Bitch, you don't farm oysters m why would this be in your almanac

LyraV

A guy at a bar came onto me with this fact and it was equally as off putting.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

In writing circles the technical term for this is "a fucking lazy cop-out"

LyraV

Segued that into snail facts and then wondered why we left to play pool.

infinite tempest jakesy

The last page of the almanac is going to be like "Philippe is the murderer" and then it will end

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Im trying to imagine useing that fact as a pick up line and its just not something I can wrap my brain around.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

deus ex cadavere

gellaho

Comb action

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Oh no, my unrestrained locks!

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GIF

LyraV

That is too many hair descriptions, I'm calling it

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

COMBS ARE HEAVIER THAN WIND YOU TWIT.

FancyShark

"Alexa Wilding to you too, asshole"

gellaho

Buh

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

GIF

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

infinite tempest jakesy

She's just a small town girl

Living in a lonely world

FancyShark

She took the midnight train

Going a-ny-where

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Meera........you..........would you be horny for a dude who spouts art trivia like this?

infinite tempest jakesy

Also, when your digital assistant goes nuts that's called an Alexa Wilding

gellaho

Not in front of Zazi's Bistro!

infinite tempest jakesy

I'll see myself out

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"Not in front of the baked ziti!"

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

GIF

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Not in front of Zazzi's Bistro! 😱

infinite tempest jakesy

How could you do this to me, on the day of my Zazi's wedding

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

This guy is way too horny to be in mourning

infinite tempest jakesy

Hourning

gellaho

It was like the bees plucked it right out of that corpse

FancyShark

Run, Abby. He hasn't had food in days. He's going to eat your face

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Meera.......is this you telling us about your fantasy? Because I have to tell you, almost anyone could fuck you.

All you have to do is dress decent, pretend to be French, and be kind of an asshole.

FancyShark

Sure, Meera. Guy outings spontaneously turn gay

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

The brother did it

gellaho

Uh-huh

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

He's trying to distract dumbbitch

FancyShark

Don't say bling, Meera

gellaho

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Also Meera, youd be surprised what the poors can buy, it doesnt mean we cant have nice things.

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Your instincts are in your panties right now

You'd be amazed what the poors inherit from their elders

FancyShark

Not sure how "formerly poor" is even a hurdle to getting nice things

gellaho

Gangbangers be epithelialing

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Twine, the famously easy to get prints from substance.

gellaho

Famously robust

FancyShark

You have known murderers hanging out at the bar? Why the fuck haven't you spent more time there?

gellaho

They were there long enough to hear a biker say fairy eighty times

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Also what kind of pastry shop is next to a crime bar named The Black Witch

gellaho

Because Meera understands how bikers talk

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

Isn't this supposed to be a small town? With gangbangers?

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In Napa Valley no less.

gellaho

It's surrounded by prisons

That's not even a joke

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Napa valley, that notoriously poor and crime ridden hellhole.

FancyShark

It's a small town in the Napa Valley with two world famous chefs and a constant massacre on the east side

Pumpkin Spice Mordred 🎃

All those bikers are like grandfathers who hang out at the VFW

gellaho

And has a biker bar for the tough bikers who sample wine

(meera's not good at this)

Case closed

gellaho

Uh oh

LyraV

Epithelials my ass

I just wanted an excuse to say that.

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahaha is that a Bing bong threat

FancyShark

Guessing Abby was forced into retirement

gellaho

Fuck off

infinite tempest jakesy

Ahhhhhhhh I get it now

The chicken rape fantasy was the Meera fantasy all along

LyraV

Abby if you don't slap this person and walk out I've lost all faith.

gellaho

Smooth

infinite tempest jakesy

Not in front of Zazi's! Again!

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Philippe, in America we can recognize an attempted assassination by car.'

FancyShark

Get outta here with this Hardy Boys imitation

gellaho

This is a lot of fancy words to say "looked at her tits"

infinite tempest jakesy

Her dress suggested ample curves?

Buddy you're just looking at the curves

There's no suggestion

FancyShark

Abby then stabs him in the neck

LyraV

I cannot even...they did not.... decolletage you fuck you Phillipe. Get right the fuck out with your ample curves.

gellaho

The fuck is an Optimists Club

FancyShark

That is the saddest club name of all

LyraV

They discuss the likelihood that any of them will make friends outside the club.

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Wait is that because she has a gun or because her dick is big?

infinite tempest jakesy

gellaho

Time for Philippe to meet the bees

gellaho

But, more importantly

LyraV

Fuck yes.

gellaho

The moment has come

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

COMMUNE WITH THE BEES

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For Philippe to be stung to death because the bees dont like his cologne.

gellaho

Time to tell the bees

infinite tempest jakesy

Hahahahaha fuck you Meera

gellaho

Oh, and also me wishing for death

Twas not granted

infinite tempest jakesy

The real bees were the friends we made along the way

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Meera, you're the fucking author, you could have made something happen here, like the bees DO actually respond or something.

FancyShark

The bees respond by rolling in flowers

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

Sweet bees, I come with sad news. This book I wrote fucking sucks ass.

LyraV

Bees are in no way sweet, I know it's a small point, fuck come on.

gellaho

And, what is the most appropriate thing to come after that?

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Aubergine?

LyraV

Yeah they have a guide for how to do this in Stardew valley as well and it's better written

FancyShark

Corpse meat - the honey is rich gold

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How the fuck is buckweat honey aubergine, Meera?

LyraV

Honey made from the sweetness of Abby's heart tastes of ashes.

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Write a book about purple honey, at least that would be interesting!

gellaho

And how do I reduce the chicken's stress? Give them a back rub? They're fucking chickens!

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Its pretty easy, chickens arent that bright.

FancyShark

Eggs have lots of protein

infinite tempest jakesy

Chickens have a lot of protein too

Wait a minute

FancyShark

Problem solved!

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Fortunately chickens eat both those things.

Badger, alias "Señor Thief"

This is the book that never ends

It just goes on and on my friends

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Especially when you want them not to.

LyraV

https://youtu.be/Ppm5_AGtbTo

FancyShark

Some people started reading it