83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

In Cally's defense Ben is like right there and she has panic attacks when he talks.

gellaho

I don't know where you guys got that this was in the Midwest. The Midwest is covered in a dome

FancyShark

If this was Canada, those hellbeasts would have apologized

Badgerman

That's a mean thing to call the Quebequois

gellaho

Anyway, look at this fucking weirdo

FancyShark

It's fine. They don't speak English

"Sure, hop in."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Swung his torso........from his hips?

What.........

Ozzie

His fingers seemed even longer... than his arms?

gellaho

I bet this guy has nothing to do with this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Anyone with a degree is instantly worthy of suspicion, especially a doctorate.

FancyShark

The promise of ham loosens even the most resolute tongue

Badgerman

Four proteins and not a single fruit or veg. Doc is gonna kill them with constipation

That well-known forest circumstance

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Doctor of Divinity? Suspicious.

Brendan

I am an inhuman doctor who lives in the woods. Please try my homemade sausage.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Doctor of medicine? Ohhhh you bet thats suspicious.

FancyShark

No way. Unless you also have pancakes.

gellaho

Just accept whatever the weirdo in the forest hands you

gellaho

That's espionage 101

Badgerman

Nothing consistently foils spy ops like the predictable British addiction to tea breaks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah my guy, this is why you drink sweet tea, so you can tell when the tea is full of drugs.

FancyShark

"Normally people wait until I put the rohypnol in something before they drink it"

Badgerman

The only reason Bond was as successful as he was was because he switched to fucking instead of tea

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Now this doctor with his liberal arts degree is going to be knuckle deep in your holes, and he's got long fingers.

gellaho

Thoroughly unpleasant

Brendan

Before I feed you, DRINK MY TEA

Badgerman

"sup front nuts?"

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Like the writer at the keyboard.

FancyShark

I'm starting to think AJ forgot what book he was writing

gellaho

A bunch of geniuses

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh I see you also read Pickman's Model, AJ."

Brendan

So they have a Moreau but he's making classic monsters and they have to spy-stop him.

in the woods where we lay our scene.

Badgerman

Just fucking sew these dweebs' faces to their asses and finish this dreck up already, AJ

Brendan

This isn't spy high, this is scouts out and about

gellaho

Sleep well, kids

FancyShark

This scene is a good reminder that West of Loathing rules

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I drug all my guests so they dont notice the veal is overdone."

Brendan

The blind mutating the blind.

Badgerman

A good reminder that most things that aren't this book rule, tbh

FancyShark

"Wide like the laugh of a clown"

AJ, wherever you are, I hope you're burning in hell tonight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit this evil doctor gave Ben the GOOD shit in his tea.

gellaho

"I am not a hack!" - AJ Butcher

Ozzie

This is why my spy training involved lots of horse tranquilizers, so I could build up an immunity to shit like this.

FancyShark

Their livers are colors we don't have names for

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maybe he'll come out of this LSD trip and have an empathetic epiphany like David Smith.

gellaho

The return of the nitronail

Badgerman

A muffled boom

FancyShark

The bomb had a silencer

Badgerman

Muffled, one assumes, by being on the same side of the door as the explosion

Brendan

Or maybe he'll found Synanon

gellaho

Meanwhile: AJ has all the similes for Averill's fingers

FancyShark

There are worse Air B&Bs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

AJ hit some of that Frank Herbert shit before he wrote this part.

just a mild dose of psilocybin to get the creative juices flowing.

gellaho

Oh, wait he ran out. But also: eewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Badgerman

That doesn't make it any better AJ

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His obiedent assistant is Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate?

FancyShark

For the kids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Please say its Torgo.

Brendan

Don't worry, I'm not a creep. I only violate NON-sexual bodily autonomy. I have morlocks to handle that icky stuff.

gellaho

Well, that's gross

CaptainBadguy

He wriggled a worm like finger into the corner of Avril's eye. "ouch"

Badgerman

I just like to watch!

FancyShark

See, Lori? You can do better than Ben

Badgerman

AJ, we've all fucking seen Wrath of Khan, we know a fucking Ceti eel slug when we see one.

gellaho

The prophecy has been fulfilled

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahaha check out my weird toothy ant daughters. This one can sing "Amazing Grace" in Portuguese."

CaptainBadguy

Umm. Ants have been around for more than a million years I think, and it's not that they have "failed" to reach 6 feet

CaptainBadguy

🤦‍♀️

FancyShark

AJ, I take it all back. But only so I can throw it at you again, you fucking hack

Badgerman

Wherever you are, AJ, I hope the Tories are making it impossible to meet the cost of living for you.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

One of these teens is nerd enough to have said "Wait but Frankenstein is fictional. You fucking weird old bastard, what?"

Ozzie

He made these guys but with grosser mouths.

Brendan

"When my grandmother, Bob Frankenstein, married Miss Ethel Moreau, I inherited this island in the wildscape."

CaptainBadguy

Haha you may have heard of my ancestor Don Quixote

gellaho

Meanwhile, Jake uses his Game Show training

FancyShark

"Organize voices if you don't know who is talking. You will not be taught this outside of Spy High."

CaptainBadguy

How boring to have him be called Frankenstein.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait why does he need human henchmen if he has the ability to create mutants who obey him? What?!

Brendan

I read a story about two scientists post-nukes who took some mutated ants back in time to evolve first and teach men how to use cooperation.

It ended poorly for them to return to an all-antmen future.

Frankly, I think they deserved it. They had a TIME MACHINE.

They didn't even check their progress!

CaptainBadguy

I hope the author abandons the Frankenstein gimmick without acknowledgement.

gellaho

Boy, oh boy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also humans already cooperate and ants arent exactly the best model for improvement. Some species take slaves.

Badgerman

They couldn't have just started a nonprofit or something

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I guess they were time scientists and not biologists tho.

FancyShark

"Shouldn't we be loudly explaining which of us has the keycard necessary to open the cell doors?"

Badgerman

Please consider another turn of phrase other than "Jake sprang"

CaptainBadguy

The author did not have a storyboard or a plan. He sat down and wrote. He kept going when he was tired.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ironically Jennifer is probably right this second tearing some goobers heart out and showing it to him as he dies.

FancyShark

"Finally, I love camping!"

Ramb$ne Gracie

they should really send her back in time to spread her ways throughout society

gellaho

Things are going great

Ramb$ne Gracie

kumite elections

FancyShark

Hey, there we go

CaptainBadguy

No, because if Frankenstein was real we would have heard of him asshole.

Badgerman

So Mary Shelley was publishing primary source documents that she made the fuck up?

FancyShark

AJ decided to go past lampshading to shitsplaining

Badgerman

Fuckin what?

gellaho

Fuck off

CaptainBadguy

She didn't even change his name

Badgerman

It was originally Viktor with a K

CaptainBadguy

"OH OH, who is the real monster Jennifer"

Ramb$ne Gracie

well see Averill was the monster, Frankenstein was the doctor

gellaho

Rubbed his what now?

FancyShark

Kinda weird you went all Moreau when your ancestor was trying to achieve immortality, Frank

CaptainBadguy

Yeasty.

FancyShark

Frankenstein's Monster Sub

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Motherfucker is making bread devils.

CaptainBadguy

Why are the others ants?

Are ants yeasty?

gellaho

The secret fist

FancyShark

Ants are natural bakers

Ramb$ne Gracie

you can use yeast to kill ants

CaptainBadguy

Secret fists rule.

Badgerman

Christ, this is worse than when the alien showed up in Nazi uniform at the end of Enterprise S3

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Secret fist" is what AJ calls "Doing a jerk off motion, sarcastically."

CaptainBadguy

He made a secret fists at an oblique angle to Frankenstein I guess.

Noone noticed

If they did they mouthed "huh what?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh fuck we never told him we dont know what his stupid hand signals mean."

gellaho

In retrospect, perhaps these squeamish fifteen year olds weren't the best prospects

Badgerman

"What fresh horror was here?", the question we all asked ourselves as Book Cage started tonight

BlindMonkey

Pffffftttt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God they are being real babies about Frankensteins beast men.

FancyShark

They looked out onto a vast field of people with one hairy arm

CaptainBadguy

His eyes twinkled and sparkled and glinted and shone.

Badgerman

Like, they're just militarized surgery furries. Chill out

gellaho

AJ Butcher must repeat everything

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Guess Spy High doesnt allow kids to bring their Warhammer minis.

Badgerman

That's the educator in him coming out

gellaho

I can't imagine anything more terrifying

Ramb$ne Gracie

suddenly Cally exploded

:joehardy: shows up

CaptainBadguy

There wasn't time for Jake's life to flash before his eyes, or even gleam.

Badgerman

"Don't worry, Jake-- This will explain everything!"

gellaho

The kids love it

CaptainBadguy

Frankenstein is after what exactly?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Come with me if you want to live!"

Ramb$ne Gracie

a trail of hamburgers leading back to the culprit

FancyShark

Jake's last name is Bauer

CaptainBadguy

Still hung up on his voice recognition techniques

Ozzie

He got hit in the back of the head and he's burping up blood? Holy fuck.

CaptainBadguy

We have moved past it.

FancyShark

He's very sick

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cally got him in a pressure point.

CaptainBadguy

What is the plot

Badgerman

Kids love realistic head injuries!

gellaho

Remember, never show weakness in front of your enemies, children

FancyShark

hahaha, you're funny

CaptainBadguy

I mean now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

We dont know. Not sure the book does.

Ozzie

"Camping trip when suddenly, Frankenstein"

FancyShark

If Jake wanted to show he was serious, he should have shot off one of the guy's toes

Badgerman

Did- did our author have a stroke midway through the manuscript?

CaptainBadguy

Dr Frankenstein Moreau has has hijacked a teen spy camping trip that was actually subterfuge, the real reason they were out here was to wendigo terror cell.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

In the sense that he went to have a crafty wank and then forgot what he was doing, yes.

CaptainBadguy

Absolutely

gellaho

"No as in we are going to discuss the moral implications, or no as in they don't need our help?"

CaptainBadguy

Hm.

Badgerman

"You're right, Jake, what was I thinking? Fuck them kids"

CaptainBadguy

Maybe he meant "no let's philosophy"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Look, everyone got the same training we did, so theres no reason to assume they arent also on top of their respective situations."

FancyShark

"I would have used a dull knife, but that's me"

gellaho

Imagine the pulsating reptile man, children! Do it!

gellaho

Then enjoy my bad joke

CaptainBadguy

Giggle

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw his crocodile mutant needs a hug.

FancyShark

An entire whale in his throat

CaptainBadguy

If this whole book was a norm MacDonald shaggy dog story and ends now all is forgiven

gellaho

The one called Dan is having a bad day

Badgerman

Now here is a problem: Serpent and human!

CaptainBadguy

Dr Frankenstein is efficient

Badgerman

Bwuh???

CaptainBadguy

He's had Dan for about 15 minutes

gellaho

You mean like a lizard man? Like the lizard men you already made?

Brendan

In the future, there is only war and the threat of sexual assault. Both of these connect to rural beastmen

FancyShark

"So far, I've only managed to make his genitals the length and girth of a snake. It has no commercial applications."

Badgerman

Gene Gas

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh wait, you're teen spies? Fuck I thought you were a science class on a field trip. I was going to give you internships."

Badgerman

Fucking beastmen. First they ruin Vermintide 2, now this.

CaptainBadguy

Why he thinks these kids can solve this riddle

Can you try?

gellaho

AJ is really into these fingers

CaptainBadguy

I've been exposing Dan to gene gas for less than a days. I give up.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What a lame asshole, does he not know about legless lizards or the kinds of snakes that have vestigial legs?

Badgerman

"Like a wondrous woooomb~!"

Brendan

The problem, kids: is people need snake men. But the only way I can turn men into snakes gives them adorable t. rex arms, which I then stitch to their sides for aerodynamism.

FancyShark

I really want to know what his human assistants are getting paid

Brendan

Obviously I considered amputating the limbs, but people want limbs on their snakemen

CaptainBadguy

I want the form of a snake, but then I stitched his arms back on, because the last thing I want is a snake.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Also like a womb, I fill it with my semen every six hours in the name of Pan."

Badgerman

They're paid in gene gas, clearly

Ramb$ne Gracie

strawberries

the lizards love them

FancyShark

Since there's no gene grass or gene ass

Badgerman

yet

gellaho

"Evil organization names, hmmmm" - thought AJ

CaptainBadguy

Why not you knock it off Frankenstein? How about that?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Now, on to my ass vats, where I grow my genetically engineered asses. See how they glisten, children?"

Ramb$ne Gracie

CHAOS?

FancyShark

Children Hospital Assistance Over Seas

Badgerman

Cliff Heath As Original Sin

gellaho

Who wouldst have guessed

CaptainBadguy

Corny Hope Against Obstinate Slurry

Badgerman

The level of ambient frustration this script is provoking in me sure is something

Ramb$ne Gracie

everyone knows transformations only occur after you accept the power of love into your pure maiden heart

FancyShark

CHAOS is smart. They've been tricked into buying counterfeit snakemen before

gellaho

Cry for Eddie on his SkyBike

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Uh....Doctor? Can I just............you realize that you could just do this with other kinds of animals? Like this would be a really huge breakthru but you're committed to doing it in the worst way possible?"

Badgerman

Non Fungible Taipans

CaptainBadguy

This one hasn't got arms ( is a real complaint )

gellaho

Weapons-grade SkyBikes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Like, Doc.........you could genetically engineer hybrid chimp slaves and nobody would care."

Badgerman

Hahaha the clones are actually chasing him

CaptainBadguy

Nnnnmnmnmnm pchoo pchoo

Badgerman

I just threw out that gif as a joke

Brendan

Why no one make fuck Funny Boy?

FancyShark

"Silence! I will marry a snake!"

Brendan

Women famously don't go for men who can make them laugh.

Badgerman

If he ever finds out, can he let the rest of us know

FancyShark

To be fair, Eddie isn't funny

gellaho

Remember in the beginning of the book when they stumbled into getting captured by Fat Hitler? They have learned nothing

CaptainBadguy

I do not want to hear more about chaos.

" 5 seconds later Chaos agent with a briefcase..."

His creations were hiding from the prose.

Badgerman

If only we all could

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This game of Chainsaw Warrior is weirder than usual.

BlindMonkey

You can hide. This is my new style.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Hello you freaking awesome legend

CaptainBadguy

We are all here for the literary superiority. We come here the way my ex watches reality TV.

gellaho

Not entirely sure what this mask actually looks like

gellaho

BlindMonkey

Hello fellow legend

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Dollar General Rorschach mask

CaptainBadguy

God bless the internet otherwise you would be reading this alone and look up to see the face of someone who just, wouldn't.

Badgerman

Cool visual, terrible prose descriptor

CaptainBadguy

CHAOS!!!!!

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Not yet, good sir. Not yet…

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh shit its the Sovereign from Venture Bros.

CaptainBadguy

His face was sort of I'll come back to it later it doesn't matter.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Probably wont turn out to be a shapeshifting David Bowie tho.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Dang it

gellaho

Fuck off

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

🙄

Badgerman

Oh great, the bad guys are Redditors

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Tzeentchists.

FancyShark

"I still need a name for the coffee order, sir"

CaptainBadguy

"Haha who is in charge of ANARCHY!"

Brendan

It's Dr. Moreau, but in project CHAOS we have no names

gellaho

The ants immediately start making out with Ben

Badgerman

oh hey I remember this Goosebumps book

at the very end Ben is gonna poop out an alien egg

BlindMonkey

Hell. Fucking. Yeah.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All the ladies love Ben and his put downs.

CaptainBadguy

The agents of CHAOS are well funded in unusual ways no doubt.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And Ben loves their chitinous carapaces.

BlindMonkey

Chaos knows freedom from having a second thought

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And grinning teeth.

gellaho

F- acronym

Brendan

ant-mutants is stupid. Mute-ANTS was right there!

CaptainBadguy

Oh I just died groaning.