115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow

#1 Time Riders

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Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't

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gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 115 - Time Riders Part 1 of ?

Welcome to the new year. You are forbidden from looking up anything about this book. Now: prepare to regret the existence of time itself. We will be engaged in this 400 page monstrosity, spaced over several months. It's an endurance test. So bring your Dr. Pepper and your Shrek DVDs, for this and many Fridays to come. 5pm Eastern.

gellaho
FrumpyBadger

Oh.

O-oh fuck.

gellaho

Oh, it's going to be a lot of fun

Gonna really take our time and enjoy it's rich tapestry

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Never been done before, time riders

FrumpyBadger

Are you sure this isn't the real year of pain?

gellaho

Definitely, last year I started with double Nicole Davidson

FrumpyBadger

fair point

gellaho

A little under an hour until Time Riders. Here is as much of a preview as you are getting

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

I give it a 9 out of 11

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

https://vm.vxtiktok.com/@airplanefactswithmax/video/7305472334612139295?_t=8imqmylkiMd&_r=1

I'll probably be late. Enjoy airplane facts

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh good, another time travel organization dedicated tirelessly to solving the problems caused by its own existence

Brendan!™

It's time

We ride

FancyShark

Woot!

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @Brendan!™ !

Velo-ing

BOOKS

FancyShark

Hi, @Velo-ing !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yo shark

gellaho

Time to begin the process

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho !

Velo-ing

TIME

RIDERS

also hi shark

how are you

FancyShark

Good, thank you!

TIME RIDERS!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's my favourite gellaho catchphrase. It's so passionless and dead inside, really helps prepare me for reading the book

FancyShark

How are you?

Velo-ing

I'm good, thanks!

FrumpyBadger

I can't wait to Never Forget this book.

Velo-ing

I'm excited about BOOKS

gellaho

But first, a coupleof things to note. This book is 400 pages long. So it's going to take a couple of sessions that I'll space out over the coming months

Hilariously, there are 100 chapters

FrumpyBadger

Oh god oh fuck

Velo-ing

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

oh Alex Scarrow you fuck

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

one for each of the Hundred Years' War?

Velo-ing

oh wait I know that name

gellaho

No looking anything up

FancyShark

hahaha

Hi, @FrumpyBadger !

Velo-ing

I won't

gellaho

Before we begin I'm going to need some help keeping track of some things and I'll let you know what those are

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what the fuck are we reading the dead sea scrolls

gellaho

The first is the human atrocity counter or Atrocimeter. This will mostly be a death count, but we'll see as we go

FancyShark

I'll track that

gellaho

This is a book for children by the way

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

shark just salivating over the corpses as he takes notes

actually do sharks salivate?

I've seen too many cartoons

Velo-ing

Science dares not answer such questions

FancyShark

I don't think they do

FrumpyBadger

"Computer games designer" means he's sent napkin ideas through the mail to EA

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but you always tie on a napkin and hold a knife and fork right?

gellaho

We begin on the Titanic with Liam, our Irish stereotype

FancyShark

It's good manners, Tom

Velo-ing

I'm starting to worry about where I know him from

Hi Liam

oh sorry

gellaho

So, add the death toll for the Titanic

Velo-ing

G'DAY MATE!

1,517

FancyShark

Added

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so we're counting any atrocity we witness, not just ones caused by the protagonists

FrumpyBadger

Should propellor guy count as only 60% of a statistic once he starts shrinking?

Brendan!™

YA But you have to ensure Charlemagne bones down.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

4 pages per chapter, off to a great start

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

actually I guess if time travel is happening our heroes could cause the titanic to crash later, I shouldn't assume

FrumpyBadger

Fucking loved Eternal Darkness

FancyShark

Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !

gellaho

Liam is in charge of clearing out cabins, which is something I'd entrust to a 16 year old

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what a great game that was mostly created through financial crime

FrumpyBadger

The ends justify the means

Velo-ing

Yeah that checks out for ye olde maritime service

FrumpyBadger

…My legal counsel has advised me to issue a retraction on that statement

gellaho

It's a pleasant book for the kids

Velo-ing

Ahhhh. Ghost Ship

FancyShark

Suddenly, DiCaprio and Blanchett sprint past, pursued by a gun-wielding Billy Zane

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

look loads of YA books are full of murder and tragedy. I read animorphs as a kid and I'm fine apart from my crippling anxiety

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Winslet, sir

FrumpyBadger

"Liam! It's me, Barabbas!"

FancyShark

Winslet. My bad. I'm bad with names.

gellaho

Liam gets to contemplate his own impending death

FancyShark

Innocent people dying reminds our hero he should look out for himself

Velo-ing

Quick, Liam, throw the passengers at the water, it will distract it so you can get away!

gellaho

And, among Liam's anguished cries of despair, we have the second thing we need to keep track of

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sweet baby jaysus

gellaho

Liam's an Irish stereotype, and as such, he says "Jayzus" a lot

FrumpyBadger

Jay-Zsus?

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

We are going to count how much

Velo-ing

1

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh I forgot this is a main character

I thought we were just gonna watch him die and then move on

gellaho

See

FancyShark

Velo's on Jaysus counting

Velo-ing

2

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Jay-Z counting

Velo-ing

Until I forget, absolutely

FrumpyBadger

Funetik aksents can suck a fat one.

gellaho

So, that was a chapter break. For some reason

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

It's no Ja-ay-ay-eezus Christ but he's no Layne Staley

FancyShark

Hi, @Pure Novelist Mordred 📚 !

FrumpyBadger

"I'm not going to help you, I just want you to know that I know who you are."

gellaho

Liam's torturous existence continues

Brendan!™

Not for much longer he doesn't.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this guy's just showing off that he comes from a time with wikipedia

gellaho

It's fun for the kids

FancyShark

"Shut up, Liam. I'm getting off on this."

gellaho

Your impending doom is just great

Velo-ing

3

gellaho

I wasn't kidding about the Jayzus thing

Velo-ing

it's not quite one a page

but it is 0.75 a page

gellaho

Recruiting through terror and threats of death. Our good guys

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Do we get a count of when someone st-stammers!?

Velo-ing

37

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so if you've ever been confused how consent can be forced, this is it

gellaho

If you want

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

I do not want to do it

gellaho

There might be an integer overflow if you do

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

However I want credit for the idea

FancyShark

"But yes, I'm offering you life. The kind of life normally only found playing CounterStrike all through college and working at the gas station, third shift, until you die from a heart attack in your recliner at age 49."

gellaho

The fact that some people choose death is probably not a great sign

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"oh shit ok 4 seconds quick quick"

gellaho

What a fun start to an adventure

Velo-ing

This is a book for the cool kids

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so he takes people like Liam because historically the body was never discovered so people will assume he's dead

gellaho

Some images speak for themselves

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but what about the starfish or whatever who would have feasted on his flesh?

Velo-ing

um

...

So...

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh never mind that question we have some other things to talk about

FancyShark

2996 from 9/11

gellaho

Just wait on that

VernoWhitney

Subtract one for the next volunteer?

gellaho

Not yet time

It's a great sleeping place

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you gotta tease that one a bit

FancyShark

I'll delay sharing the total until you give the signal

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

don't forget those who died of health complications years later!

gellaho

Chapter 3 is less than two pages

Velo-ing

I'm starting to think Liam's the problem here

gellaho

We now consider an airplane toilet

FancyShark

Wait, she escapes a plane cr-

oh, goddammit

Velo-ing

Since we can't look anything up, when was this written?

FancyShark

Wait, 2010. We're good

GDC's Quivering Thews

Those pipes aren't that big. worst case scenario a little prolapsing

FancyShark

I'm betting 2010

gellaho

Maddy is having a great day

FancyShark

Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !

gellaho

You are correct

FancyShark

Hell yeah. We're going by Ghosts of Christmas time sections

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Ew she has a Microsoft T shirt in 2010.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'm only going to be dropping in periodically, it's trivia night.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha christ maddy, take some time off

you need a full reboot

gellaho

A g-g-g-girl!?

gellaho
FancyShark

A NERD OF THE FEMALE SEX?!

Brendan!™

Liam, you can die nine horrible ways at once, or walk between raindrops as a whispered myth. Make your choice.

Velo-ing

that's not how- fuck it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

BALDERDASH! HARRUMPH!

I NEVER!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but don't her boobs obscure her view of the circuit boards?

Velo-ing

This author has seen Hackers

FancyShark

Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !

Brendan!™

Maddy, tell me you're not 9/11ing

FancyShark

2010. We're safe.

Velo-ing

It's 2010 now

gellaho

Being accosted by an old man outside the toilet is every young girl's dream

Velo-ing

Liam is 9/11ing though

...

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Well.

Brendan!™

Maybe the old man takes Maddy out of 2010 and puts her on one of the Logan flights.

FancyShark

Another thing to never say on a packed plane: "We're out of Fresca"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Girl its 2010, youre a nerd. Your first thought should be "ISEKAI?!"

gellaho

Sounds fun

Brendan!™

A girl on the internet in 2010???

Impossible.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

another thing to never say on a plane: 'hello young woman I just put my hands on, no I don't work for the airline"

FancyShark

This dude really likes describing how people die

Brendan!™

We didn't even have Reddit yet. It was the age of Digg. You can't digg with a vagina!

It's like that old saying; Two holes don't make an actually my dear.

gellaho

So many crying teens

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

when you're facing this much human misery I guess you have to adopt a routine just to get through the day

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Shit I always thought Digg was a made up thing......

Brendan!™

No, that's the clitoris.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah its not at all suspicious that the weirdo wants to hold your hand.

gellaho

Now time for our third count!

gellaho

Which is how many times Dr. Pepper is mentioned

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just hold his hand, hes probably not a wizard.

FancyShark

hahaha, did Dr. Pepper sponsor this?

gellaho

It's a lot less than the other two, but more than you'd expect

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Once is more than is normal.

Brendan!™

I'm a scientifically based extradimensional entity from one of the mathematically assured alternated dimensions, but I'm not an angel.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if he does try to tell some people he's an angel that seems like a breach of time lord ethics

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I can honestly say ive read hundreds of books and none of them mention ANY brand of soda.

FancyShark

Who's going to track Dr. Pepper?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

As a former Pepper myself, no. No way

It's not college football

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'd rather not

FancyShark

Velo's got Jaysus and I've got atrocities

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They're not interested

Brendan!™

Dr. Pepper? She's an agnostic.

gellaho

You're a nerd, there are only so many on the planet. You're special

Velo-ing

Fine I'll make a spreadsheet

1

But my vengeance will be unexpected and swift

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Time to D-scoot this nerd girl to fuckin Narnia.

Velo-ing

Wait did they mention where this plane was going?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hell?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its going to hell.

Velo-ing

Because there was a big plane tragedy in 2010

FancyShark

Down, in a few minutes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

scooped

gellaho

Maddy has joined the party

Velo-ing

4

gellaho

With the inhaler too

Velo-ing

5

gellaho

You're going to be busy

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahah of course she has an inhaler.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh christ, ok so he's taking these people from their respective disastrous deaths INTO 9/11?

gellaho

My name's Foster, welcome to hell

Velo-ing

"On' secund you was leepin right peaceful you woz, then next second you're up loike a screamin banshee, blimey"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"I do this and run a home for orphaned imaginary friends."

gellaho

Thirteen. Seems like the age for time travel

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh his name is Foster, like how a foster parent abducts dead children from history and funnels them into 9/11

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I knew time travellers did 9\11!

gellaho

I think you can figure it out from the name, Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what if his plan is just to increase the death toll of 9/11 to increase support for the iraq war

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuck you, Liam. I dont care when you are from, you know what time travel is.

FancyShark

The Time Machine was published in 1895. Read a fucking book, Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I can't read" said the dead irish labourer

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Liam you have certainly seen Time Cop.

gellaho

It's not like Peter Pan ever did anything creepy

FancyShark

Oh so the third character doesn't get a proper introduction

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

RED ALERT RED ALERT

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahahah dont tell them that, dude.

Liam might not understand the reference and that has a very different meaning to someone after like 2005.

Brendan!™

The Time Riders plainly has a research dept devoted to scanning obituaries to see who would have been great.

gellaho

She's goth, she's Indian, what else do you need to know?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

BANGS DETECTED!

FancyShark

Did we confirm the plane Maddy was on? Every 2010 plane crash I've found of note didn't get anywhere near America

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how do we know her skin is coffee coloured if right now it's corpse grey nd this is the first time we've seen her

you gotta think about these things Scarrow

Brendan!™

Way to reveal you don't drink Corpse Blood Coffee, lame-o.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

What kind of coffee too?

gellaho

I think it was probably written in 2009

Classic 2026 India

Velo-ing

We can ballpark it at around 90 to account for the crew

Liam stop it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is Shadowrun India I think

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahahh this guy thought India would change a LOT in a fairly short amount of time.

Velo-ing

Liam is going to have some very racist opinions

Brendan!™

I'm sorry, that's just MIA

He kidnapped MIA

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

when humanity experienced the Awakening everything changed

gellaho

Took them a while to actually get around to making the machines

gellaho
Brendan!™

We haven't even fused fusion fusedly.

Velo-ing

hmmm

That's confusing. Explain it to me with Dr. Pepper.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Arguably if we CAN do it, we were MEANT to be able to, or we wouldnt be able to do it.

Brendan!™

The first person to invent time travel wins it all. They can get to Liam any time they want.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Assuming you think humans were MEANT to do anything.

Brendan!™

He was a beautiful lad. John Rhys-Davies, basically. Jayzus.

gellaho

No space because they're 2010 cool

Velo-ing

...

No

Brendan!™

Why don't they just go to 2029 and pour coffee on some physicist's laptop?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol TimeRiders

Velo-ing

If this shift turns out to be 9/11 I will commit a crime

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

stop trying to sound cool Foster

FancyShark

So time travel is something no one should do and to make sure it doesn't happen they have people time traveling all the time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you're a time auditor

Brendan!™

Using amateur agents.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

your job is to stop real time travelers from hving fun

gellaho

Stop trying to guess the 9/11 connection, you will not get it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

(Wearily retitles Time Cop porno parody script.)

Velo-ing

Look sometimes the Time Council declares it is Time for Fun

FancyShark

Time Narcs